


Potato Gun Mechanics

by hisfirstnamesagent



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: #potatoscience, ..... That came out wrong, Aromantic Natasha Romanov, Asexual Peter Parker, Biromantic Peter Parker, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexual Thor (Marvel), Bisexual Tony Stark, Clint's Family Doesn't Exist, Consider him the comic Clint, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, F/F, F/M, Flash Thompson Redemption, Future Fic, Gay Clint barton, He's a dick but a good dick, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Harley Keener, Pansexual Harley Keener, Pepper and Hope could kill us all and we should all be grateful, Peter and Flash are friends let them live, Please don't take any of this seriously???, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Endgame, Potato science is a thing now, Queervengers, Sorry Not Sorry, Sort Of, Tags Are Hard, This is a nonsensical piece of work, Trans Peter Parker, Trans Steve Rogers, Twitter, and Thanos is a Bad Memory, where nothing bad happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2019-11-24 03:20:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18160805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisfirstnamesagent/pseuds/hisfirstnamesagent
Summary: Harley Keener creates a Twitter account. Chaos ensues.





	1. Weird Flex But Okay

**Author's Note:**

> I love texting fics and twitter fics so this is my contribution. (Also? These are not as easy as they look lmao).
> 
> Lemme know if this is worth following up :)

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Some of y’all’ve never had iron man break into your garage when you were 12 and it shows.

 

→ I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't  **@ArielQueener**

You made a whole Twitter Account just so you could tweet this? I can't believe we’re related. 

 

Anything For You  **@BeyonceStan**

Uhm,,,,op,,,, What the fuck,,,,

 

Cool Vibes  **@KimmyHanson**

Yooo is  **@HarlesQueener** for real????

 

Thirsty Thot  **@JaneAnderson**

These fake accounts are getting wilder and wilder lmao

 

IronManStan  **@BobertJones**

**@HarlesQueener** may be a fake but issa mood tbh.

 

Press F to Pay Respects  **@ProYeeter**

Okay but,,,, “y’all’ve”???

 

* * *

 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

that flex when you scrape food into your toilet. #sleepdeprived

 

→ WhaT the Fuck is this ALLowed???  **@Genie_King**

Weird flex but okay

 

Boogie Woogie Woogie  **@YouAreMyDad**

**@HarlesQueener** explain.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@YouAreMyDad** I haven't slept in 4 days and I thought my toilet was a bin. So I scraped my leftovers in it.

 

JJ  **@JulieGreen**

uhm,,, u ok  **@HarlesQueener** ????

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

No :)

 

* * *

 

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

**@HarlesQueener** change your name its been literal years. 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage @ **HarlesQueener**

I Do What I Want. 

 

#1 Iron Man Stan  **@IronDaddy**

omg who the heckity heck is  **@HarlesQueener** ????

 

IronManStan  **@BobertJones**

wait………………. what,,,

 

plz follow me iron man  **@TinyStark**

Okay but,,,,, am I having a fever dream or did Mr. Anthony Edward Stark confirm he crashed into a 12 yr olds garage,,,, im-

→ Boom Boom Woosh  **@Gloria**

Nah fam it happened lol

* * *

 

 

Stark Watch  **@TonyStarkWatch**

Hi Hello  **@HarlesQueener** how the Fuck do you know our Lord and Savior Tony Stark

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@TonyStarkWatch** You illiterate or something?

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

ffs kid please change your header.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@TonyStank** hmmm,,,,, Nah.

* * *

 

Iron Daddy Could Get It  **@tscult**

 

Okay seriously who the fuck is harles queener??? And why??? Does??? Tony Stark know him??? America EXPLAIN


	2. Chaotic Neutral Energies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley is a sassy shit but we all knew this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm updating during intermission for the Captain Marvel movie and this guy thinks it's a terrible movie :))))))) 
> 
> (I disagree and Carol can throw me into the sun and I would say thank you. Also I would die for Goose)

Spider Man Trash **@spideytrash4**

Hey **@HarlesQueener** why did Iron Man break into your garage?

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Cause we're connected ;)

 

Spider Man Trash **@spideytrash4**

…….uhm,,,what,, does that mean???

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

:)))))

 

→ Kitty Kat **@Katherine**

why the fuck does that sound so ominous? What? Are you Tony Stark's Child? Please America Wants To Know!!!

 

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't **@ArielQueener**

He wishes Tony Stark was his father.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueeners**

Actually he grew me in a lab and when I was 12 he came to check on my progress and that's how we met.

 

→ Couple A Dudes Being **@PrettyGay**

Honestly at this point I can't tell if he's joking or not because apparently Iron Man DID break into his garage and my whole life has turned upside down.

 

Tony Stark Is My Father **@TonyStanker**

…. **@TonyStank**.

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

First of all,,, Hi Ariel :)

 

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't **@ArielQueener**

Hiii Mr. Stark :)))

 

oh HoLy Shit Balls **@HesTheJuggerNaut**

Wait what.

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Second of all,, Harley. shut the Fuck up.

 

Couple A Dudes Being **@PrettyGay**

Okay but like,,, is he telling **@HarlesQueener** to shut up because he's joking,,, or because he wants to hide the truth

 

Shane Was Right **@conspiracycorinne**

[heywhatsupyouguysshanedawson.jpg]

 

Bro In The Chair **@Neddie**

Woah **@PeterParkour** do you know **@HarlesQueener**???

 

#1 Stark Intern **@PeterParkour**

Uh,,,no.

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

You :))) may :))) not :))) know :))) me :))) peter :))) but :)) I :))) know :))) you :)))))))))

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Reel it in Drama Queen.

 

#1 Stark Intern **@PeterParkour**

H-holy shit what the fuck does that mean¿¿¿ I -

 

Lol catz is a dead meme **@Lola**

Not to,,, ignore,,, that creepy ass,,, tweet but uhhhhh who the fucks **@PeterParkour**.

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Oh so y’all are ILLITERATE illiterate ,,,ok.

 

Lol catz is a dead meme **@Lola**

Uhhhhh 911? Yeah this bitch right here.

 

Shippper Trash **@Shipstain**

I know we don't really,,, know,,, **@HarlesQueener** but like,,, I stan his chaotic energy.

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Thank ya darlin’ ;)


	3. Savage Top Energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley Keener is a top and I think we all know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to go to sleep :)))) 
> 
> Also, me after watching captain marvel 
> 
> Me: I'd die for you Goose 💞💞💞💞
> 
> Goose: You Will.

#1 Stark Intern  **@PeterParkour**

Hey uh,,,  **@HarlesQueener** can you tell how the hell you know me

 

→ Cap n’ Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

Mr Parker that kind of language isn’t appropriate.

 

#1 Stark Intern  **@PeterParkour**

*heck. 

 

→ Cap n’ Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

Better  **@PeterParkour**

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@PeterParkour** guess you'll just have to beg ;)  **@SteveRogers** :/

 

→ I Want to Lick Cap’s Abs  **@Capsicle**

Uhm. What's up bruh? 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@SteveRogers** knows what he did. 

 

→ Cap n’ Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

Okay but consider that I Don't.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@SteveRogers** :/

 

#1 Stark Intern  **@PeterParkour**

Well this took,,, a turn.

* * *

 

Bitch Taco  **@hungryhungryhippy**

Is no one going to address the fact that  **@HarlesQueener** just exposed his own Begging Kink. 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Today on Things I Never Wanted to Read: This.

 

Bitch Taco  **@hungryhungryhippy**

Ahafsaptkdnskzbzkapapxnxk tony stark just repmied to comment

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

*replied.

 

* * *

 

User Name Taken  **@RandomUsername6000**

Hey  **@HarlesQueener** are u a boy or girl? 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@RandomUsername6000** I'm a top. 

 

→ keyboard smash orgasm  **@asdfghl**

This? This is Beautiful. 

 

Harles Queener Stan  **@GabbieDunst**

My Mood tbh. 

 

User Name Taken  **@RandomUsername6000**

lol but what's in your pants?

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

A potato gun usually. 

 

Alexa Play  **@AfricaByToto**

Is that a euphemism or…?

 

I Wanna Be Where the People Aren't  **@ArielQueener**

**@AfricaByToto** Its not. Its really really not.

 

→ Alexa Play  **@AfricaByToto**

O….Kay…..

* * *

 

Desperate Cheetos  **@despacidos**

No tea, no shade, but the  **@HarlesQueener** account shouldn't have over 10,000 followers after like,,, a week on twitter.

 

Ulysses Is Too Gay to Function  **@nowapocalypsestan**

**@despacidos** have you,,,, seen the tweets… .. They're God Tier. 

 

Desperate Cheetos  **@despacidos**

Are they tho?

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

heard you were talking shit.

 

Harles Queener Stan  **@GabbieDunst**

Oof. An icon. 

 

Desperate Cheetos  **@despacidos**

No offense  **@HarlesQueener** but you're only getting popular because Tony Stark follows you. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

Y’all really are out here hating “mediocre” twitter accounts when you should be worried about your less than desirable SAT scores. 

 

Desperate Cheetos  **@despacidos**

Uhhhhh excuse me????? 

 

Desperate Cheetos  **@despacidos**

HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MY SCORES????

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

hmmmm suddenly I can't read,,,, curious.

 

→ Harles Queener Stan  **@GabbieDunst**

Wait did you post those??? Under  **@despacidosSATscores** ??? Uhm???? Is that,,,,,,,, ….legal?

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

I don't know what you're talking about  **@GabbieDunst** . 

 

Bust Down Thotiana  **@TatyanaGale**

Holy fucking shit. 


	4. And Now: The Weather.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark is a soft boii who deserves all the love thank you that is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason people are reading this trash lol.

**Mr. Dad:** Keener.

 

 **Harles:** Stark?

 

 **Mr. Dad:** don't call me that.

 

 **Mr. Dad:** why am I getting tweets about you leaking someone's private information?

 

 **Harles:** I'm legally not obligated to tell you shit.

 

 **Mr Dad:** I -

 

 **Mr Dad:** just don't get arrested kid.

 

 **Harles:** :)

 

* * *

 

I'm A Lesbian **@ithoughtyouwereamurican**

 **@HarlesQueener** are you nonbinary (you don't have to answer but the world and I would love to know)

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

I'm a cosmic soul trapped in this earthly vessel that suffocates my essence. But thanks for asking.

 

Welcome to Nightvale **@Nightvale**

And now, the weather.

 

Incorrect Avengers Quotes **@totallycorrectavengers**

 **@HarlesQueener** u good bro?

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Never better **@totallycorrectavengers**

 

* * *

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Hi My name is Tony Stark and I sleep in **@JamesRhodey @Buchanan** and **@PepperPotts** sweaters when I'm lonely.

 

M-Mr S-stark s-senpai **@StarkRavingSlut**

Today is a glorious day where we have been gifted with the beauty that is this tweet.

 

Rocky Rhode **@JamesRhodey**

 **@TonyStank** awwww thats sweet. Why Did You Tweet This tho.

 

Oppy Will Be Avenged **@bironman**

Not to freak the fuck out but,,, tony stark? Soft.

 

Boss Lady Stank **@PepperPotts**

I already knew this but why would you broadcast this on Twitter?

 

* * *

 

 

Iron Man Iron Man Does Whatever a Iron Can **@ironyman**

Yo **@HarlesQueener** did you see Tony Stark’s tweet this morning?

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Tony Stark? Who's Tony Stark? Never heard of her.

 

Vines Saved My Life **@joleenposey**

Mmmm,, suspicious.

 

* * *

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

 **@HarlesQueener** I'm gonna kill you kid.

 

→ Gimmee Gimme A Man  **@AManAfterMidnight**

Omg what did he do 

 

ASSassin **@Buchanan**

Awww tony were u embarrassed?

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Fuck off **@Buchanan**

 

#1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

Uhm is anyone going to explain how we never knew iron man was a soft ho?

 

→ Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

We knew this.

 

→ Spider Bro Saved Me **@Keenan**

Holy shit wait this account is verified,,, are ,,, you,,,, spiderman,,,

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

 **@Keenan** I'm legally not allowed to say.

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Can all of you shut the fuck up yes he's spider man now where the diddly darn is Harley!!?

 

Harles Queener Is A Top **@SophiaJones**

Hey **@HarlesQueener** I think you're in trouble.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

 **@SophiaJones** snitch.

 

→ You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Harley Keener did you hack into my twitter account and post that,,, b u l l s h i t

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

I,,,can't recall.  

 

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't **@ArielQueener**

 **@TonyStank @HarlesQueener** Yes he did.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

 **@ArielQueener** SNITCH.

 

#1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

Okay but how can a kid (I'm assuming Harley is a kid because Stark keeps calling him kid???) hack into a billionaire genius’ welll,,,, anything???

 

→ You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Because he's a little shit.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

And you're still a soft boi, what's your next move.

 

You Know Who I Am **@HarlesQueener**

I didn't raise you to disrespect me like this.

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

You didn't raise me at all.

 

* * *

 

Boogie Woogie Woogie **@YouAreMyDad**

Alright if NO ONE is going to ask I'll do it. **@TonyStank** are you dating **@JamesRhodey** and **@Buchanan**???

 

Boss Lady Stank **@PepperPotts**

He's dating a lot of people. In fact, he's legally married to the entire population of New York.

 

Back Window **@Natasha**

I wasn't aware that Tony’s dating life wasn't public knowledge.

 

Back Window **@Natasha**

As a result I feel obligated to inform the twitter world that Tony Stark is lowkey dating everybody in the Avengers Compound.

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Are you calling me a slut **@Natasha**?

 

→ Thot™ **@ThorOdinson**

The Black Widow speaks only the truth.

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

Except,,,me,,,obviously.

 

→ cawcawmofos **@hawkeye**

You're not an avenger **@spidey**.

 

ASSassin **@Buchanan**

And he's highkey dating me.

 

Cap n’ Crunch **@SteveRogers**

rt.

 

Rocky Rhode **@JamesRhodes**

rt.

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Who taught Steve how to Twitter properly???

 

→ Cap n’ Crunch **@SteveRogers**

 **@Beter** Son, I punched Hitler in the face. I can master your social media platforms.

 

Steve Rogers Is My Spirit Animal @ **Mrs_Rogers**

Mr **@SteveRogers** sir, you DIDN'T punch Hitler.

 

→ Cap n’ Crunch **@SteveRogers**

That's what the Nazis want you to think

 

How Did You Defeat Captain Amewica **@Luca$$Cordin**

Wild. **@SteveRogers**.

 

Captain America’s Bitch **@Holland**

Ok but,,, captain america and iron man are dating,,, we were Right.

 

Blue **@luckycusso**

And iron man is poly?? We Stan,,, one (1) icon.


	5. Oh My Fuckin God, He Fucking Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This bullshit just falls from my fingertips don't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's a coherent timeline and how does one use it?

Bro In The Chair **@Neddie**

 **@HarlesQueener** can I ask how you know Peter?

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Mr Leeds, I'm Tony Stark’s science experiment. Its what I do: I know things and scare people.

 

Bro In The Chair **@Neddie**

Uhhhhh how do you know my last name,,,,

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Ned I told you not to engage!!!

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Hello Peter :)

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Seriously **@Beter** why don't you just ask,,,me,,, why **@HarlesQueener** knows who you are…..

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Oh. Right.

 

Hipster before it was cool **@MJ**

 **@Beter @Neddie** peak dumbass energy.

 

* * *

 

 **The Kid:** Mr Stark, who is Harley?

 

 **Iron Dad:** They're my protégé. I met them way back when during the whole terrorist blowing up my Malibu home thing.

 

 **The Kid:** but,,why,, did yiu break into their garage

 

 **Iron Dad:** kid you've got an IQ as high as mine, stop texting like you're having aneurism.

 

 **Iron Dad:** I broke into their garage to fix the suit cause it was shot to hell, and they found me there, shot a potato at me, then broke a finger off my suit. Then they proceeded to kick ass against some terrorists.

 

 **The Kid:** and they know me???

 

 **Iron Dad:** Harley knows what they know from what they get by hacking into FRIDAY.

 

 **The Kid:** Wild.

* * *

 

There's A BEE?! **@Jimothy**

 **@HarlesQueener** tell us the story of how you and iron man met

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Beg.

 

There's A BEE?! **@Jimothy**

P-please H-Harley tell us the story. I'll do anything :((((

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

 **@Jimothy** anything, you say?

 

There's a BEE?! **@Jimothy**

YES **@HarlesQueener**!!! ANYTHING!!!

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Good **@Jimothy**.

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

T’was the year 2013, and I - Harley Keener - was valiantly watching over my poor, weak, and naiive baby sister Ariel Keayofnihgfddld

 

→ Iron Man’s Butt **@metalbooty**

Omfg he fuckin ded

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener.**

Okay I'm back, I was fighting off an angry gremlin.

 

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't **@ArielQueener**

Your momma’s a gremlin Harley

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

We got the same momma dumbass

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Anyway. It was a cold night in the town of Fuck-Knows-Where Tennessee, and as I stayed awake, burdened with the task of protecting (1/4)

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

(2/4) my family's honour, I heard a noise in the garage. Bravely, I wielded my potato gun to seek out the trespasser, who was in fact

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

(3/4) the man himself. Iron Man. He begged me to assist him in repairing his suit, for my brilliance surpassed even his. I, a generous soul, agreed

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

(4/4) Soon after we ventured on an adventure so tear jerking and heart racing, none would believe me. In the end, I saved Stark’s life and he is indebted to me. Because we're connected.

 

→ YOU READY TO FUCKIN DIE!!! **@heckyheckicravethedeath**

Mmmm sounds fake but okay.

 

Harles Queener Stan **@GabbieDunst**

Its true I was there

 

Grilled Cheese **@Bojackman**

I was the 1228390th snowflake.

 

* * *

 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

I'm bored and dying. Q & A? #askharley

 

Official Avengers **@AvengersCompound**

impart on us your Tennessee wisdom. #askharley

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

 **@AvengersCompound** In tennesee, we’re not just in the religious south, we’re in the belt buckle of the bible belt.

 

→ the winner takes it all **@cherseyebrow**

Ugh,,,their mind.

 

* * *

 

Harles Queener Stan **@GabbieDunst**

is today tomorrow new england? #askharley

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Absolutely.

* * *

 

Does Whatever A Spider Pig Does **@spiderpig**

 

Any advice **@HarlesQueener**? #askharley

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

 

Be Rootin! Be tootin! And most importantly,,,, sell drugs.

 

→ He's Bo Yo **@boburnhamschin**

 

Wait what.

 

* * *

 

Golden Gal **@Corinna_Tate**

 **@HarlesQueener** how old are you anyway? #askharley

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

I'm old enough to carry the weight of my sins barehanded.

 

Golden Gal **@Corinna_Tate**

Oh so like,,, 20

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Wait omg **@Corinna_Tate** how did you know?

 

Golden Gal **@Corinna_Tate**

I d i d n t 😂😂😂😂

 

* * *

 

Queer Eyed **@sparklygay**

Are you a doritos gay or potato chips gay? **@HarlesQueener** #askharley

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

I'm a Party Mix Pansexual.👊

 

I'm Gay **@ihavecripplingdepression**

 **@HarlesQueener** We stan.

* * *

 

Baby Boy **@LiamHuddson**

Are you actually a top? #askharley

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Would you like to find out 😏?

 

Baby Boy **@LiamHuddson**

I'm ace but like,,, yes omg.


	6. (Don't) Call Me Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....... Ty Simpkins owns my ass thank you that is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to insert pics using ao3 this is panphobia

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't  **@ArielQueener**

Hello internet I gift you this [harleyshowersinging.vid] you're welcome :)

 

→ Harley’s Bottom  **@Jimothy**

Oh my god this is fucking gold they're so into it lmao 

 

Keener Protection Squad  **@DanaKona**

Tag yourself, I'm the cracky high note 

 

→ I'm A Lesbian **@ithoughtyouwereamurican**

I'm the whites of their eyes when they realize  **@ArielQueener** is videoing. 

 

Trash Can  **@imtrash678**

I'm the discarded bottle of shampoo on the shelf 

 

Harles Queener Is A Top  **@SophiaJones**

I'm the water running down their chest oof 

 

→ Holy Hooty Hell  **@DansDimple**

Thirsty ho.

 

Golden Girl  **@Corinna_Tate**

Right so we're all just going to ignore the fact that  **@HarlesQueener** sings Frozen songs in the shower? 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

If any of you think I'm gonna be ashamed of my choices, y’alls got another goddarn thing coming to ya.

 

Harley Keener owns my ass  **@harleysbitch1**

I……….. I'm gonna say it.

 

**→** Sadly Number 2  **@harleysbitch2**

Do it. 

 

Harley Keener owns my ass  **@harleysbitch1**

**@HarlesQueener**

 

Daddy.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@harleysbitch1 @harleysbitch2** don't call me daddy 😉

 

* * *

 

**Peter With a Bee:** Hey. Its uh,,, Peter Parker. 

 

**Harley Keener:** I know who you are darling 

 

**Peter With a Bee:** oh. 

 

**Peter With a Bee:** soooo

 

**Harley Keener:** did you need something parker? 

 

**Peter With a Bee:** uhh no? Just. Haha I don't know why I dm’ed you.

 

**Harley Keener:** hmmm

 

**Harley Keener:** You finally done freaking the fuck out over me knowing who you are?

 

**Peter With a Bee:** Yh yh definitely. 

 

**Harley Keener:** Good now help me fuck with Stark.

 

* * *

 

#1 Iron Man Stan  **@IronDaddy**

I don't think we talk about the fact that Tony Stark is with like,,,, four different people (three of which are MEN) and Captain America is gay??? What???  **@AvengersCompound** explain.

 

Official Avengers  **@AvengersCompound**

Oh we’re sorry, sometimes people’s personal lives are their own. This isn't a gossip column. Go take it up with them. @ **TonyStank @SteveRogers @Buchanan @BruceBanner @ThorOdinson @Natasha @hawkeye** . 

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

I was summoned?

 

→ IronManStan  **@BobertJones**

Mr Iron Man sir, tell us, how many queer avengers are there on this lowly plane of existence?

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

All of them. Wow. What kind of question is that. 

 

ASSassin  **@Buchanan**

There are no straight superheroes sorry i don't make the rules. 

 

→ plz follow me iron man  **@TinyStark**

This is the best day of my life

 

Cap n’ Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

**@IronDaddy** actually I'm bisexual and so is Tony, Bucky, and Thor.

 

Thot™  **@ThorOdinson**

Is it common culture on Midgard to declare with whom you lay in bed? 

 

→ cawcawmofos  **@hawkeye**

Uhhh yeah big guy.

 

King of Sneks  **@lowkeyloki**

**@hawkeye** how barbaric. 

 

Sicko Mood  **@JustinKing**

The Avengers are queer? Is nothing sacred? 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

**@JustinKing** your one second of recognition is over sweetheart now fuck off before Captain Patriot decides to school you about being a decent fucking human being.

 

lean mean and green  **@BruceBanner**

Too late, I can see him glaring at his phone while typing. We've got maybe 5 seconds until he goes off. 

 

Cap n’ Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

First of all,  **@JustinKing** being a hero means you don't discriminate. If a bigot is about to get murdered, I'd save their life, with maybe a few moments of disturbing satisfaction at their suffering. But I'd still save their lives. Because heroes have basic human kindness in them and that's what we do. We save lives. ALL lives. Bigots have no place in progression. 

 

Cap n’ Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

Second of all, the history books lied about a million and one things about me, and among those things are the fact that before I was Captain America I was just some broke bisexual trans guy who drew because he couldn't be in the army. I never hid that, and I used to get beat up for it, and even in the army I was ridiculed. The serum made things easier for me but it doesn't erase my struggles so whoever decided to omit that,, fuck you and good night. 

 

→ Back Window  **@Natasha**

That was…...milder than expected.

 

What the Heckity Heck **@perpetualshook**

 

fuckin hell I can't believe all my faves are LGBT+. 


	7. If You Understand What Happens in This Chapter, Please Tell Me, Because I Have No Clue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously this chapter was wild from start to finish oh my god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I stole the chapter title from Magnus Chase and the Ship of the Dead don't @ me.

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@Harles Queener**

This is the timeline that god abandoned.

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Whatchu mean Harley?

 

#1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

Well. They're not wrong.

 

I'm Not A Real Blonde **@harleenquinzelreject**

 **@HarlesQueener** what's up chief?

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

 **@Beter @IronDaddy @harleenquinzelreject** I experienced true betrayal on this day. I've come to realize that the darkness that pools within us can manifest in the most ugly ways and showcase themselves when we least expect it. It astounds me that such disgusting ignorance could be present in one who I held to such high esteem.

 

→ You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

 **@HarlesQueener** Oh my god all I said was I don't know who Brendon Urie is.

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

THIS IS A GODLESS EARTH

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

 **@TonyStank** you don't know who BRENDON URIE is?! What kind of person are you???

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Don't start with me **@spidey**

 

* * *

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

PSA: Iron Man is no longer a hero, he is a traitor to this country and a terrible person.

 

Cap n’ Crunch **@SteveRogers**

I don’t understand what’s happening here but this seems like its Not my Problem

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

 **@SteveRogers** wow I have such a loving and caring boyfriend omg.

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

Wait what the fuck happened to my name. **@HarlesQueener** did you do this?

 

TRAITOR Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Suddenly,,, I can't,,,read,,, curious.

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

 **@HarlesQueener** WHY CAN'T I CHANGE IT BACK YOU LITTLE SHIT

 

TRAITOR Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Y’all hear somethin’?

 

→ I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't **@ArielQueener**

I aint hear nothing.

 

#1 TRAITOR Stark Intern **@Beter**

Must be the wind.

 

→ Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

Et tu, **@ArielQueener**?!

 

* * *

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

Its been 56 hours @ **HarlesQueener** plz change my name back.

 

→  TRAITOR Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Okay but really Tony I didn't hack your account.

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

Okay then who the hell did?

 

→ TRAITOR Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Now why on earth would I tell ya that, Mr Stark, sir?

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

This is no way to treat your poor father.

 

→ TRAITOR Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Tragic.

 

* * *

 

Mrs TRAITOR Stank **@PepperPotts**

Anthony.

 

→ cawcawmofos **@hawkeye**

Uh oh, she pulled the full name card.

 

Sabrina But Emo **@wanda**

No tea no Shade but a pissed Pepper Potts is my sexuality.

 

→ Back Window **@Natasha**

rt.

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

Pepper, light of my life, wind beneath my wings, the blood pumping through my veins, I love you please don't hurt me what did I do I didn't do anything.

 

→ Mrs TRAITOR Stank **@PepperPotts**

Anthony.

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

OKAY FI!NE I _was_ the one who glued the chairs to the ceiling in the boardroom.

 

Mrs TRAITOR Stank **@PepperPotts**

YOU WHAT?! I was going to ask why there's a BILLBOARD directly outside SI that says ‘TONY STARK IS A GODLESS TRAITOR’. Why would you glue the chairs to the ceiling in the boardroom?! I have a meeting in there in 20 minutes!

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

Let's backtrack here. **@PepperPotts** you said something about a billboard?

 

→ Mrs TRAITOR Stank **@PepperPotts**

Don't change the subject! You are going to march or fly or teleport your ass to this building in the next 5 minutes and GET THOSE CHAIRS DOWN or else.

 

Iron TRAITOR **@TraitorStank**

→ Yes ma’am

 

Confused Bisexual **@JocelynKlemming**

I'd like to announce that I would throw myself at Pepper Potts' feet and worship her. Ugh the sheer power she radiates she could slay me 😩

 

* * *

 

 **Peter With a Bee:** Oh my god that was EPIC

 

 **Harley Keener:** I know right?!

 

 **Harley Keener:** Nice job with hacking Pepper and Tony’s accounts before me lol

 

 **Peter With a Bee:** oh haha that was actually my friend Ned, he's the hacker. I'm more into biochemistry.

 

 **Harley Keener:** Woah you got some smart ass friends if he can hack Tony.

 

 **Peter With a Bee:** yh I guess.

 

 **Peter With a Bee:** Do you think Ms Potts killed Mr Stark?

 

 **Harley Keener:** Oh yeah definitely

 

 **Harley Keener:** Also dude why do you call him Mr Stark you've known for like,,, 5 years or something.

 

 **Peter With a Bee:** I like to watch the little vein that pops up in his forehead when I call him Mr Stark

 

 **Harley Keener:** Is it too early in this relationship to tell you that I love you?

 

 **Peter With a Bee:** We’re not in a relationship but sure.

 

* * *

 

 **Harles:** Is it cool if I marry your intern?

 

 **Mr Dad** : Oh so you're talking to me again?

 

 **Harles:** Whatever old man. Answer the question.

 

 **Mr Dad:** Stay away from my pure innocent intern Harley Keener, you demon spawn.

 

 **Harles:** You know, that really hurts my feelings grandpa.

 

 **Mr Dad:** Yeah I'm sure it does. I mean it Harley. You're a menace. Do not corrupt him.

  
**Harles:** Have fun with Aunt Pepper :)))


	8. Disaster Italian Bisexual (Or, Alternatively, My Language Kink In The Form of Tony Stark)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Italian Tony Stark is a very Real and very Important Tony Stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kudos and comments. Just know that I fall in love with all comments when I read them and I'm soft for all of you 💋

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Candele profumate alla vaniglia 

**see translation ↓**

_ Vanilla scented candles  _

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Gatti in cravatta 

**see translation ↓**

_ Cats in ties  _

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Simpatici gatti in cravatta

**see translation ↓**

_ Cute cats in ties  _

 

→ Mai  **@MaiaJohnson**

I don't understand what's happening right now but I'm here for it. 

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Gergio di Gen-z

**see translation ↓**

_ Gen-z slang _

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Sono un papà figo? 

**see translation ↓**

_ Am I a cool dad? _

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Come faccio ad adottare un bambino

**see translation ↓**

_ How do I adopt a child _

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Sono depresso o semplicemente affamato? 

**see translation ↓**

_ Am I depressed or just hungry? _

 

→ King of Tits  **@kingtit**

This? This is it, chief.

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Quanto è stanco è troppo stanco? 

**see translation ↓**

_ How tired is too tired? _

 

→ alia hates the Beatles  **@alia**

Tony Stark’s incoherent late night tweets are the reason why I breathe oxygen. 

 

Mr Man  **@tontystarkt**

THIS!!! JUST!!!! ALL OF THIS!!!!!

 

* * *

 

#1 Iron Man Stan  **@IronDaddy**

Okay so are we all just NOT going to ask why the Man™ Tony Stark tweeted incoherent shit in ITALIAN at like???? 3????? In the morning????? 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

Well, he's part Italian for one.

 

#1 Iron Man Stan  **@IronDaddy**

**@Beter** alright but that doesn't explain the rest of it. 

 

Harley’s #1 Fan  **@LolaLoka**

Yo  **@HarlesQueener** do you know what was up last night? 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

Wait you're telling me Anthony Edward Stark was tweeting shit in Italian, clearly sleep deprived, and my dumb ass missed it?

 

→ Bitch I'm a Cow  **@IGoMooo**

**@HarlesQueener** the world wants to know, what was the meaning of those cryptic tweets? 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

I got you fam. 

 

* * *

 

**Harles:** Tones

 

**Harles:** Tonester

 

**Harles:** Mr Man 

 

**Harles:** Iron Stark

 

**Harles:** calling one (1) Panicky Boi

 

**Harles:** Betch 

 

**Mr Dad:** what the shit Keener its like 4 in the morning let me sleep 

 

**Harles:** Sleep is for the weak 

 

**Harles:** also why were you tweeting in Italian last night? The whole internet needs to know. 

 

**Mr Dad:** I have literally no idea what you're talking about. 

 

**Harles:** lol

 

**Harles:** Check your twitter feed. 

 

**Mr Dad:** fuck. 

 

**Harles: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂**

 

**Mr Dad:** not Helping

 

**Harles: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂**

 

* * *

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

Y’all are welcome 

[screenshot.jpg]

 

→  #1 Iron Man Stan  **@IronDaddy**

Oh my chuck I can't breathe -

 

ASSassin  **@Buchanan**

Only  **@TonyStank** could do something like this and not remember. 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Mmmh? What? I don't know what you are all referring to? There are no insomnia induced tweets? What?

 

→ Cap n’ crunch  **@SteveRogers**

Ahem!! You may delete them, but the truth always comes out 

[Receipts.jpg]

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

**@SteveRogers** I'm divorcing you 

 

→ Cap n’ crunch  **@SteveRogers**

We're not married :/ 

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

And whose fault is that  **@SteveRogers** ?

 

→ Boss Lady Stank  **@PepperPotts**

**@TonyStank @SteveRogers** you can't get married while he's married to me so just. Don't. The paperwork alone to get you out of whatever mess you both end up in sounds exhausting already. 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

I Do What I Want.

 

the bee movie but with wasps  **@HopeVanDyne**

**@PepperPotts** does that mean I can marry you too? 

 

→ Boss Lady Stank  **@PepperPotts**

Don't encourage him.

 

→ daddy lang legs  **@scottlang**

Wait **@PepperPotts @HopeVanDyne** you guys are dating? 

 

the bee movie but with wasps  **@HopeVanDyne**

I told you this? 

 

→ daddy lang legs  **@scottlang**

When?????

 

the bee movie but with wasps  **@HopeVanDyne**

The same time you told me about your massive crush on  **@samwilson** :)

 

cawcawmofos  **@hawkeye**

Exposed  **@scottlang @samwilson**

 

→ the good looking bird hero  **@samwilson**

You got something to tell me tic tac? 

 

daddy lang legs  **@scottlang**

**@HopeVanDyne** You Know What? youre not my friend anymore. Twitter, its been good, its been real but it ain't been real good. Bye ✌

 

* * *

 

Bi(n)der Man  **@spidey**

Well that escalated quickly. 

 

Spider Man’s Pert Ass  **@webbutt**

I'd still like to know what Tony Stark was doing when he tweeted those. 

 

→ Superior AI  **@FRIDAY**

Boss wouldn't want me to tell anyone this but he is acting like a incontinent child so here is the ‘tea’ as the kids these days say. 

 

#1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

**@FRIDAY** uh, are you secretly an old lady? 

 

→ Superior AI  **@FRIDAY**

Zip it Parker. 

 

Superior AI  **@FRIDAY**

Boss’ tweets are actually supposed to be Google searches and they're in Italian because when Boss is awake for more than 56 hours he reverts to his first language. Which is Italian. 

 

Harley’s #1 Fan  **@LolaLoka**

Not to be a slut but,,, I think i’d like Tony Stark to whisper Italian in my ear. I don't even care what he says. Just,,, hnn. 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

No. 

 

Harley’s #1 Fan  **@LolaLoka**

Wait omg  **@TonyStank** you were NOT supposed to see that wtf. 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

Yet here we are. 

 

Mr Man  **@tontystarkt**

I'd like to declare Tony Stank the Ultimate Disaster Bi 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

It's actually Italian Disaster Bi. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue when I started shipping Sam and Scott? But? Tic Tac? Is a cute ass name even if they're just Bros. Also, Pepper and Hope? God tier.
> 
> \---
> 
> And I am not American? So, culturally speaking my frame of reference is off. Which just means that I'm too lazy to Google what is and isn't legal in that dumb ass country.


	9. There Was Something In The Air That Night (The Stars Were Bright)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhm. Parley? Heter? (Lol) Seriously what's the ship name for Peter and Harley?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again before I wrote this and Uhm..... Alexa play "Fernando". 
> 
> (Cheers to the queerest and longest chapter 😋)

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

labshenanigans.mov   
  
[video transcript]   
  
_ Tony Stark is slouched over his lab table, scraps of metal haphazardly scattered around him, his mouth wide open as he snores, seemingly dead to the world. A half empty cup of coffee is loosely held in his grip and oil is smeared all over his arms and parts of his face.  Giggles and shuffling can be heard off camera as the camera moves closer.  _

 

_ “Shhh, he's gonna wake up,” Harley’s hushed voice sounds. “You'll ruin it.”  _

 

_ There's another voice equally soft, “He's actually going to kill us both.”  _

 

_ With a loud snort, Harley enters the frame, a devious grin on their face, and an airhorn in hand. They wink at the camera before their eyes shift to whoever is holding the camera. “We good Petey Pie?”  _

 

_ “Dude. Seriously. Don't call me that.” There's shuffling as the camera shakes before a throat is cleared. “Yeah we're good to go, Harles.”  _

 

_ Harley raises a thumb then the airhorn and spins on their heels, facing the clueless sleeping Stark. They slowly tiptoe over to the unsuspecting man and stands off to the side, holding the air horn directly in front of the billionaire's face. Harley nibbles excitedly on their lower lip, biting back a grin. Then they blow the horn.  _

 

_ Things escalate quickly: _

 

_ Tony pushes away from his desk, shrieking loudly and frantically looking around. The chair topples over from the uncontrolled movement, and Tony flails his hands as he falls over, trying to regain his balance, which upends the coffee all over him.  _

 

_ Harley collapses against the table, clutching their mid section as they cackle wildly, actual tears streaming down their rosy red cheeks. Laughs erupt behind the camera, the frame shaking as whoever is filming joins in on the laughter.  _

 

_ Tony curses a series of Italian words, spat bitterly as he glares at Harley through wet bangs that drip coffee onto his face and he curses at the boy who answers in perfect Italian while chortling uncontrollably. _

 

_ Suddenly Tony's eyes snap to the camera, showcasing his curly wet hair and bloodshot eyes as his mouth turns down into a withering scowl. His eyes narrow but the image is slightly ruined by his ruffled appearance and too large MIT sweatshirt hanging slightly off one shoulder.  _

 

_ “HARLEY! PETER! WHAT IN THE FUCKING NAME OF THOR WERE YOU THINKING I AM GONNA KILL YOU BOTH YOU LITTLE SHITS-”  _

 

_ The screen goes black.  _

 

→ #1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

CLASSIC.

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

**@Beter @HarlesQueener** you're both grounded.

 

#1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

Mr Stark I'm 21 years old and Im a college student, you actually can't ground me.

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

**@HarlesQueener** if you ground me I'll just counter your attack by telling Aunt Pepper what REALLY happened to that 100k dollar painting. 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

YOU WOULDN'T DARE. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

TRY ME HOE. 

 

caw caw mofos  **@hawkeye**

This is really fucking entertaining.

 

Back Window  **@Natasha**

So Antoshka’s children have teamed up against him? It's what he deserves. 

 

activating windows shutdown protocol  **@TheVision**

I fail to see what Mr Stark has done that would lead to you wishing ill upon him.

 

→ Sabrina But Emo  **@wanda**

She's just joking Vis.

 

Back Window  **@Natasha**

Am I? 

 

* * *

 

**Peter With a Bee:** Heyyyy I know you said you have to get back to Berkeley tomorrow so I was wondering if you'd like to get lunch with me today? 

 

**Peter With a Bee:** or not??? I mean, you're prolly really really busy and you don't need to hang out with ME of all people cause like you're so fuckong cool and I bet you have a lot of friends and you have Tony and the Avengers to hang out with so yeah why would you want to hang out with me haha

 

**Peter With a Bee:** yeah okay you definitely have better things to do than hang out with some nerd from Queens but it was really nice hanging out with you these last few days and messing with Mr Stark until he literally called the suit on us was really funny and you're a great guy and I don't want to monopolize your time to have lunch with me when you could be building some awesome robot

 

**harlequinoa:** Peter?

 

**Peter With a Bee:** Yeah?

 

**harlequinoa:** I'd love to have lunch with you tomorrow. 

 

**Peter With a Bee:** Really?!

 

**harlequinoa:** Of course dude. You're awesome. 

 

**harlesquinoa:** So what time do you want me? 

 

**harlequinoa:** we could go to that place near your Aunt's that has the whole diner in Riverdale vibe. You know. Without the murder. Or whatever. 

 

**harlequinoa:** Peter? 

 

**harlequinoa:** Bambi? You there? 

 

**harlequinoa:** OK then. 

 

* * *

 

**sbider bro:** Ned help I'm a disaster

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** we been knew this 

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** but what's up? 

 

**sbider bro:** [shared screenshot]

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** I??? Don't??? See??? Your??? Prob???

 

**sbider bro:** ASFAALALLSPDJ XXNAAPPDALLLDALX 

 

**sbider bro:** NED OMFG HARLEY KEENER IS PROBABLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FUCKONG PERSON I HAVE EVER MET AND THE COOLEST PERSON THAT HAS WALKE THIS PLANRT WHU THE FYCK WOULD THEU WAMT TO HANG OUT WITH ME??????

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** Ah 

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** Peter Parker you are like the greatest, bravest, sweetest, kindest, most pure soul I have had the pleasure of knowing but your self esteem is kinda shit. I know you and Harley have been spending your time on break together with Mr Stark so I don't see why you'd think they don't like you? They don't seem like the type to hide whether or not they don't like someone. They like you Peter. You like them (very very much *wink* *wink*). Don't overthink it dude. 

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** I mean, I'm friends with you and so is MJ and - it still shakes me - so is Flash. So. Go makeout with that mofos face. 

 

**sbider bro:** ugh why are you so stupidly rational and shit? I should have texted MJ. 

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** OK peter but you know she'd agree with me and she'd be less kind. 

 

**sbider bro:** why are you like this all i ever did was love you.

 

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** Peter. Go text your new friend before they hack into your entire life and leave something horrible for ghosting them. 

 

**sbider bro:** OH SHIT YOU RIGHT 

 

* * *

 

**Peter With a Bee:** asdfhall sorry harley I was just distracted I didn't mean to ghost you or anything. We can totally go to Mocha Locha (that's what that diner’s called and I won't even bother asking why you know where my aunt lives).

 

**harlequinoa:** You're kinda cute Parker. I like it. Also I know everything ;)

 

**Peter With a Bee:** I should really be weirder out about the complete invasion of privacy but I'm not. 

 

**harlequinoa:** and that says loads more about you than it does me.

 

**Peter With a Bee:** Haha you're not wrong. 

 

**harlequinoa:** see you tomorrow at say? 11:40ish? I'll pick you up. 

 

**Peter With a Bee:** I'll count the hours lol 

 

**harlequinoa:** I'm flattered Petey Pie. Goodnight 💋

 

* * *

 

**Pooter Porker:** FLASH

 

**Eugenie:** what the shit parker wtf are you texting me at 11:00 in the night??

 

**Pooter Porker:** omfg I know you weren't sleeping stfu flash this is serious. 

 

**Eugenie:** what

 

**Pooter Porker:** YOU'VE DATED PEOPLE RIGHT????

 

**Eugenie:** I'm not going out with you shithead.

 

**Pooter Porker:** Oh fuck off EUGENE that's not what this is about 

 

**Pooter Porker:** [shared screenshot]

 

**Pooter Porker:** IMPART YOUR WISDOM ON ME 

 

**Eugenie:** Go bother your actual friends Parker we're literally not that close.

 

**Pooter Porker:** ugh I hate you 

 

**Eugenie:** you too dork.

 

* * *

 

**Pup 1:** MICHELLE LIGHT OF MY LIFE

 

**mj:** No. 

 

**Pup 1:** awww cmon I haven't even asked yet. 

 

**mj:** sigh 

 

**mj:** what is it Peter? We can't all be geniuses some of us have to study. 

 

**Pup 1:** HEY I study!!!

 

**Pup 1:** anyway there's this person who I think I sorta like and I think I asked them out on a lunch date except why the hell would they think it's a date? I mean, we're just friends and we've only known each other for a month or whatever and we just met in person a few days ago???? but they're really gorgeous and they smell so nice and I don't wanna weird them out because I have a small crush on them so I Need your Advice™.

 

**mj:** peter? 

 

**Pup 1:** mmm? 

 

**mj:** you're fucking great and any person would be honoured to date you you trash bag. 

 

**Pup 1:** thank you??? I think???

 

**mj:** you worry too much. Like you said, you just met this person (and don't think I noticed the lack of gendered terms so I know EXACTLY who you're going to lunch with) so don't panic about things that don't matter. Just enjoy their company. 

 

**Pup 1:** Thanks Mom 💞

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly if anyone hates the fact that I made Peter and Flash friends then you can stay mad because 1) shit you do in high school usually doesn't fucking matter outside of high school and 2) I Do What I Want. 
> 
> This isn't to say Flash's actions are easily dismissed and if i had the time i'd write the story of how Flash and Peter became roommates at MIT and after a few months realized that life is really shorter than anyone could think (*cough* Thanos *cough*) and then they became sorta friends but not as close as Ned and Mj and Peter, but close enough. Uhm. None of you care about my headcanons so I'll just go.


	10. In the car I just can't wait (to pick you up on our very first Not Date)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Peter get ready for their not date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Endgame and I think it's safe to say that this fic is not compliant in any way whatsoever.

“So I leave you alone for one afternoon, and you suddenly have a date with my intern?" Tony recounts, sprawled on Harley's bed, eyes narrowed on the brunet as they move around the room, pulling out a purple and black floral button down and black jeans, tossing them on a chair nearby.

“It's not a date,” They correct automatically.

“Of course it isn't,” Steve, the other bane of Harley's existence, says from where he sits beside Tony, running his fingers through the older man's hair. Harley wishes they would stop being gross on their bed, but complaining would only make the two men act worse.

Harley rolls their eyes, falling to their knees to search for a pair of black converses.

“I'm telling you,” They insist, tossing a glare at the pair. They return to their search for sneakers, shuffling through the excessive amount of shoes that Tony had bought them for no reason whatsoever. “If it was a date, I would know. We're just friends.”

“I thought you liked him," Tony points out.

“Yeah, didn't you rant for hours about Peter's curls?" Steve teases. Harley looks up and throws one of their combat boots at the Captain, who quickly catches it, grinning.

“Shut up,” Harley snaps. They narrow their eyes at Tony, who's cackling. The bastard. “I thought I told you not to TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT.”

"Aw, come on, piccola patata, I didn't think Steve counted," Tony protests. Harley scowls at the blond who is batting his eyes innocently at them.

"Steve _always_  counts," They hiss. The captain snorts. Harley gives him another withering look and returns their attention to their collection of shoes. "If you both could leave, that'd be great."

"And miss you throwing your stuff around the room? No way."

Harley throws the other combat boot at the genius. "Fuck you guys, that's why Bucky is my favourite."

“For your information, Steve and I are a fucking joy to be around, we are a goddamned delight,” Tony says, dodging the shoe before it smacks him in the face.

"Yeah? Well, you're distracting me from getting ready for my date," Harley snaps.

“Knew it!” Steve yells.

“Shut up you dumb blonde!” Harley shouts back, grabbing a shoe and aiming to throw, but pausing because finally they found those infernal shoes. “Fucking finally,” They sigh, grabbing the other foot and rising to their feet.

"Honestly, kid, you've got no respect for your elders," Steve says.

Harley spins to glare at the two older men. “Can you both leave? You're giving me a migraine. And _don't_ talk to Peter about our da-" Steve grins and Harley sneers at him. " _Not date._ "

Tony holds a hand to his heart, faking a look of offence. "Am I an embarrassment to you?” He gasps. Harley deadpans.

“Yes, yes you are. Both of you,” They state bluntly. Tony scoffs and practically crawls into Steve's lap.

“I'm leaving only because I want you and the littlest Spider to be together,” He says, throwing his arms around the blond's neck “Come on, Cap, Little Potato here is too high class for their loser friends.”

Harley snorts and watches patiently as Steve lifts Tony, who grins and kisses the man on the cheek, and they both leave the room.

"Good riddance."

 

* * *

 

"Michelle it's _no_ _t_  a date."

“Could’ve fooled me," Flash pipes up. Peter turns away from his small closet and glares at his laptop where Flash, Michelle and Ned were displayed, watching him get ready for lunch with Harley.

"I didn't ask you, Eugene," He snaps, without any real heat. Flash looks away from the notebook before him and raises a brow.

"Then why am I on this call? If not for my invaluable input?" He asks.

"Moral support," Peter says, turning back to his clothes. He ignores Flash's scoff. The entire thing is filled with band and science pun t-shirts, and old hoodies. Peter groans and digs a hand through his hair, spinning back around to pout at his friends. "Guuuuyys I have no clothes."

"You got that right, Parker," Flash unhelpfully remarks.

He glares at the man and flips him off. "Seriously, Harley's going to show up in like...half an hour and I have nothing to wear."

Michelle rolls her eyes from where she's sitting in a café. "Peter, I am 100% sure Stark would never let you walk around with only your less than desirable wardrobe. You _must_ have something that looks good."

"I _don't_. All of my clothes are at the tower!" Peter despairs. "I only rented this room because I thought it'd be weird staying there with Harley visiting."

"That makes no sense," Ned says. "Why would it be weird?"

"BECAUSE!" He exclaims, flailing his arms about for emphasis. "Harley is like...so fucking cool, and I'm so... Not. Plus... I'm just Tony's pet intern, he probably likes having Harley around better, you know? I'd just be... Awkward."

"Bullshit Parker," Flash says, scowling. "Stark doesn't strike me as the type of person who lets people who he doesn't like hang out with him and his entire family."

"Yeah, Peter, Mr Stark pretty much saved the entire universe for you."

Peter rolls his eyes. "Come on guys-"

"Dork, if you say one more bad thing about yourself, I'll reach through this screen and kick your ass."

Peter stares at his friends, who stare back expression serious. After all those years of having just Ned on his side, he still isn't used to other people rooting for him. Even _Flash_ \- which at times was still trippy as hell. "Okay," He sighs. "I'm literally the greatest person on this planet, whatever, I still need something to wear."

Flash scoffs and slams his textbook closed. "Parker, step aside and let me see what I'm working with here." Peter moves out of the way and watches Flash eye his wardrobe, an intense focus to him.

"Let me see that dark green Henley," Flash orders. Peter grabs it and holds it up. Flash hums and nods. "Pair that with jeans and a nice shoe, and you'll be fine."

Peter nods and pulls the Henley over his head, then finds a decent pair of blue jeans and pulls them on. He pairs them with white sneakers, and turns to his friends, outstretching his arms to showcase the look.

"Never thought I'd say this," Ned begins, sounding awestruck. "But Flash is right."

"Whatever Nerd, I'm always right," Flash retorts.

"Now," MJ cuts in, a smirk on her lips. "How do you plan on getting a kiss from your Non Binary Snack Attack?"

Ned and Flash grin. Peter groans and hangs up the video call before it escalates. His phone vibrates on his bed beside the laptop and Peter jumps atop it, picking the device up. There's a message from Harley, which makes his heart beat just a little bit faster.

* * *

 

 **harlequinoa** : Hey sweet cheeks

 **Peter With a Bee** : ...sweet cheeks???

 **harlequinoa** : I'm only joking, I'll be at your apartment in a few minutes, Bambi.

 **Peter With a Bee** : I'll see then Harley 😊

 **harlequinoa** : cutie :)

* * *

Peter bites down on his lips, fighting a smile. He better get ready then. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else is still recovering from Avengers Endgame though? 😂😂


	11. Alexa play "Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monàe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....... The Not Date? I guess? (Spoiler: It actually IS a date, who knew)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for this subpar bullshit, I guess, but I really didn't wanna put off writing this chapter anymore, writer's block and personal issues aside.
> 
> But HEY, actual parkner happens (Parkner? Parley?.....Hater? Hater).
> 
> Also, as it happens, as I was writing "Make Me Feel" came on and I love that song :))))

 

Peter chews nervously on his lower lip, his leg bouncing as he tries desperately to Not Stare at the curly haired ethereal being sitting opposite of him. He's been perpetually blindsided from the moment Harley had shown up at his apartment looking like an angel and a god had a baby, rendering Peter useless and what he thinks is the asexual version of being turned on.

And there's also the fact that he feels grossly underdressed and lacking in the looks compartment, but no one he knows is as gorgeous as Harley Keener on a _bad day_.

"- you want, Petey Pie?"

Peter looks up from his hands that were slowly intertwining with his shirt. Harley smiles at him, and what he knows must be a dopey expression on his face, and his brain short circuits. He blinks at them, stupidly, before clearing his throat. "Sorry what?"

Harley sits in the lounge chair like a King - or, well, a non-gendered monarch - with their arm flung over the back of the seat, legs spread ( _Invitingly_ , the trashy part of his brain - that sounds weirdly like MJ - notices) and head inclined ever so slightly. Peter honestly marvels at the raw power that Harley exudes by just breathing. "What do you wanna eat, Parker?" Their eyebrow arches. His heart skips a beat. _Get a grip, dude, you're fucking spiderman._ "You're not tellin' me I'm boring ya, already..."

Peter snorts. _Quite the contrary, actually_. "Harles, if I ever get on this -" Not a date, not a date, not a date " - Uhm... You'll be the first to know." Crisis averted..... (Sure, Parker).

Harley's pale pink lips quirk, their eyes glinting with something equal parts enticing and worrying. "Good to know." They wave a hand toward the front of the diner, where the menu, drawn in brightly coloured chalk, is displayed. "Seriously, Bambi, what do you wanna eat?"

Peter swivels his head and squints at the menu, his face burning with embarrassment at the moniker. 'Bambi'. Jesus. There's an assortment of pastries and signature drinks - milkshakes, coffee, smoothies...- but he doesn't process a single word, his senses hyper aware of Harley's sharp gaze.

Before Peter can collapse under the weight of Harley's stare and his newfound inability to read, a petit blonde girl rolls over to their table with skates on her feet, her pen and notepad in hand as she grins cheerily at them. “What can I get y’all today?” She asks.

Harley smiles widely at her. "What's good here?”

The waitress blushes - much to Peter's annoyance - and looks down at the floor, jotting down something on the paper. “Uhm, I...” She stutters. “The Choco Bread Supreme, the black velvet donuts are good too ... And customers tend to like the Mocha Locha - our signature drink, but it has alcohol in it and uh... Actually I think... We’re out of it today - so we have, uh, regular coffee and smoothies and...milkshakes and...stuff.” The waitress's face gets impossibly redder.

Harley graces her with another borderline flirtatious smile then their eyes find Peter, who most certainly is not seething with jealousy, no sirree. "What'll it be Bambi?"

“I’ll have two Black Velvet donuts. And a strawberry milkshake,” Peter answers smoothly, subtly glaring into the other's soul.

Harley seems obnoxiously amused. "I'll have what the pretty one's having." _Dammit._  Peter averts his eyes, cheeks burning. _Curse that southern charm_. The waitress eyes them both, face still red, but with curiosity in her eyes.

"Alrighty then, dudes, your orders will be ready in a few minutes." She spins around on her roller blades and glides away then pauses and swivels to beam at them. "You two are a cute couple by the way." With that, she continues her way to another table.

When Peter dares to look at them, the smile hasn't left Harley's face.

“She seems nice. Pretty too.” He says, voice even. He's not exactly an idiot, nor will he get his hopes up. Harley flirts as they breathe, but Peter is 98% sure they'd never like him the way _he_  likes _them_. And that's.... Fine. That's... A- okay. Just... Dandy.

Harley frowns at him, expression now shuttered. "I suppose," they reply with a shrug.

"Maybe you should get her number. She seems to like you.."

Harley suddenly barks a laugh, their walls falling as quickly as they were brought up. "What?!" They exclaim, incredulous. "You think-? Me? And her? Peter, you're a fucking genius, but even the dumbest person on this earth and every other planet - every other _dimension_ could figure out that the only reason I'm here is to spend time with _you_." They scoff and their nose scrunches adorably. "Not some random waitress who thinks I'm cute."

"Oh," Peter mumbles, suddenly feeling stupid. ( _Wouldn't be the first time_ , another voice, this time sounding like Flash, pipes up). "Well I-"

"Besides," Harley barrels on. "She clearly thinks we're on a date right now."

Peter's brain stutters to a halt. "Uhm." He swallows the lump in his throat. Harley isn't giving off any hints to what they're thinking, and he knows his heart is showcased very brilliantly on his sleeve. The question has been bothering him since Harley agreed to go out for lunch with him.

He hadn't intended for it to be a date but... He wouldn't _not_ want it to be a date.

"Harley..." Peter reaches up and rubs the back of his neck nervously. "Are we on a date?"

There's a heavy silence that follows, during which Peter stares at Harley with wide, desperate ( _Pathetic_ , Inner-Flash adds) eyes, and Harley stares back with their wide, clear blues. With the non response, Peter slowly begins to panic - what if he over stepped? What if Harley just wanted to hang out as friends? He made it weird, he brought his own infatuation into this and complicated literally every goddamn thing. _Shit, Harley probably hasn't said anything because they don't want to hurt my feelings - obviously. Because this isn't a date. For fuck's sakes Peter_ ** _WHY WOULD WOULD THIS BE A_** -

"Oh thank _fuck,_ " Harley breathes out, shoulder sagging. They grin. "God, I was so worried that I'd misread your reaction to that girl a while ago. I mean... I _wanted_  this to be a date from the get go, and well, subtlety rarely ever works in my favour so like I wasn't 100% certain -"

"Wait." Peter blinks. "What?"

Harley leans forward, planting both hands on the table, fixing him with an intense glare. "Do you want this to be a date? Or have I misread this entire thing? Come on, Bambi, I'm gonna need more than that adorable bewilderment on your face."

"You want...." Peter's brows knit. (Peter.exe has stopped working) "... To date..." He points at himself. "Me?"

"Darling," Harley drawls, sending shivers down his spine. "Why the hell wouldn't I?"

He could come up with several reasons, if his thought process wasn't doing back flips over a rainbow. "Are you serious? No jokes, you want to go on a date with _me_? _You_  - Harley Keener, the coolest person who has ever walked the earth - want to date me - Peter Parker, the dorky nerd."

Harley rolls their eyes. "Oh fuck that, Peter, you're the most interesting person I've ever met. And Tony Stark broke into my fucking garage and left his Iron Man suit under my care while he went to fight fire breathing terrorists." They shake their head, smiling like a dope. "Bambi, darling, I've wanted to hold your hand since the day Tony showed me your picture."

Okay. Points were made.

"Holy shit," Peter huffs. "Are you telling me that we could have been dating and kissing each other since the moment we met?"

Harley frowns. "You wanna kiss me?"

Peter raises a brow. "...yes?"

Harley leans back and waves a finger, gesturing loosely at him. "Aren't you ace?"

"I'm pretty sure I can kiss someone, no sexual feelings required." 

"Valid." Harley stares at him for a moment before grinning. "Did you honestly not notice that I have a massive crush on you?" 

Peter reddens and folds his arms, huffing. "In my defense, you didn't exactly make it obvious." 

Harl snorts. "Peter, I call you  _darling. Darling._ " They repeat, putting emphasis on the word.

"I thought it was a southern thing," He grumbles. Harley cackles loudly.

 

* * *

 

Harley lets their eyes wander over Peter's face as the brunet rambles on about his friend MJ being _a heathen for not wanting to watch Star Wars ever_ while chomping down on a icing covered donut. Peter eats like a starving college student - which, Harley knows, is pretty accurate because the other is always hungry because of the whole Spiderman thing. They can't believe how quickly the Not Date turned into a real, honest to god date in a matter of minutes.

Harley startles from their reverie by the vibration of their phone held loosely in their palm. Peter glances down at their hand briefly, before continuing his story, licking dark chocolate from his fingers. Harley smiles at the sight, wamrth building in their chest, like melting gooey marshmallows being poured into their lungs. 

Their phone vibrates again and again and again, until Harley turns from Peter's cuteness and opens it  

_15 messages from Mr Dad._

Rolling their eyes, Harley opens them: 

_I know you said not to text you but you need to text me back ASAP_

_HARLEY Goddammnit answer your phone_

_You stupid stupid idiot_

_Pepper's gonna kill you, BTW. Just... As an aside_

_Get on Twitter you twerp!!!_

_HARLEEN QUINZEL_

_POTATO BOY_

_KID_

_NON BINARY BLOB OF EXISTENCE_

_KEENER_

_OI_

_OI!!!?_

_are you and parker sucking faces? Because if that's what you're doing then I'm extremely disappointed in you and you should be -_

Harley stops reading, brows furrowed and types a response. They have no idea what Tony's going on about but that was nothing new. 

 **Harles:** What are you talking about?

 **Mr Dad:** Ah the prodigal returns 

 **Harles** : oh shush 

 **Harles** : I'm in the middle of my date what's so important? Why is pepper gonna kill me? What's going on?????

 **Mr Dad:** Oh? Date? I thought you said you and Pete were just friends? 

 **Harles** : well yes, but actually no. 

 **Harles** : that's not important right now what do you want???

 **Mr Dad** : [shared a link]

* * *

 

Harley Keener Watch **@dailyharley**

Okay okay okay okay okay omfg guys I'm shaking!??? You will not believe what the hell I just saw???? In Mocha Locha????????? 

[Harleyfreakingkeener.jpg]

 

→ #1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

Omg wait who's the cutie he's with??? Omg???

 

Golden Gal **@Corinna_Tate**

OK but was anyone gonna tell me I served **@HarlesQueener** and their boyfriend literally minutes ago or was I suppose to find out in a tweet???

 

→Harley Keener Watch  **@dailyharley**

WHAT

 

* * *

 

"Shit."

Peter pauses in his story and looks over at Harley, who's staring wide eyed at their phone. "What's up?" 

Harley looks up at him and sighs. They slide the phone over to Peter, who peers down at it. Realization kicks in just after the dread. 

 

" _Shit_." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO I updated, would you look at that. 
> 
> If anyone is offended in anyway by the way I chose to represent Peter's asexuality, then I apologize beforehand. I don't actually know anyone asexual, nor do I even remotely know what it's like to he asexual, but I love all Asexuals and I always have, and I wanted one of my faves to be ace.
> 
> On a side note, I have this idea for another Harley/Peter fic that ISN'T a twitter fic. It's a high school/no powers au where Tony adopted Harley from an orphanage since he was just a little kid (maybe 5?6? Idk) and he grows up in the limelight as opposed to Peter Parker who is basically some broke kid from Queens who goes to the Nerd School for Broke People (lol) and the two meet after Peter helps Harley beat off some muggers.... And like Harley is wary around people because outside of his small group of friends (OCs but not that important) they always want something from him be it money, his father's secrets or fame. So.... Angst? I guess??? 😂😂😂😂
> 
> BUT LIKE...I'm not sure if should even start drafting out the plot, or characters or other stuff? Would anyone read it?


	12. Ship Names for Dummies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Stark Industries PR team works hard, but Tony Stark and Ariel Keener work harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup bruhs, thanks for the kudos and the comments (if I get annoying plz tell me lol) and for the reassurance that my new fic idea isn't stupid :)))) 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Golden Gal  **@Corinna_Tate**

Okay so I work at Mocha Locha, which is a diner in Queens, and I was serving this table with two brunets who were heart eyeing each other from like,,,, the moment they walked in

 

Golden Gal  **@Corinna_Tate**

the first one (who was obviously the top BTW) was all flirty with me but like,,, in a weird charming way and I could feel the jealousy radiating from the other one so I just made an offhand comment about them being a cute couple when I was heading to other customers 

 

Golden Gal  **@Corinna_Tate**

I shit you not ACTUAL MINUTES LATER I brought their orders and they were HOLDIMG HANDA AVROSS THE TABLE AND GAZING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES 

 

Golden Gal  **@Corinna_Tate**

They pulled away from each other when I cleared my throat, but they were giggling and the first one was like "Are these as sweet as my boyfriend?" And the second one went as red as fufk it was beautiful 

 

Golden Gal  **@Corinna_Tate**

I actually cannot believe I met Harley Keener and was too busy lowkey shipping them and their boyfriend to realize it

 

→ Harles Queener Stan **@GabbieDunst**

Wow op you're so fucking lucky what 

 

Baby Boy **@LiamHuddson**

Cori what the fuck how did you not NOTICE Harley Keener sitting infront of you 

 

#1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

 Okay BUT who is the OTHER PERSON WITH HIM???? Like..... It HAS to be someone we all know 

 

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't **@ArielQueener**

Ok but did it ever occur to any of you losers that Harley was with **@Beter**? 

 

#1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

 Us 

[Clowns.jpg]

* * *

**AriAri** : you're welcome dork 

**Harles** : what? 

**AriAri** : [sent a link] 

**Harles** : ARIEL WHY 

**AriAri** : It's because.... It's because I had no other choice *gazes off into the distance*

**Harles** : ugh I'm disowning you 

**AriAri** : 👻

* * *

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**  

Hey @Beter are you actually dating Harley Keener? 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

Wouldn't you like to know, spider boy

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**  

You have my respect parker 

 

→ Hipster before it was cool **@MJ**  

Seriously **@Beter @spidey**? 

 

Harley’s Bottom **@Jimothy**

Hey **@Beter** square up 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

**@Jimothy** try me hoe. 

 

* * *

 

Superhero News **@superheronews**

Unrelated to superheroes but Harley Keener, **@HarlesQueener** , is reportedly dating Peter Parker, Tony Stark's personal intern. Thoughts? 

 

* * *

 

The Daily Bugle **@TDB**

Menace Spider-Man wastes time on twitter while crime rates in New York are at a high. Lazy or Apathetic? You decide

* * *

 

Harley’s #1 Fan **@LolaLoka**

OK is it Heter? Or Parkner?

 

→ cawcawmofos **@hawkeye**

It's Harleter if you're not a coward

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

Alright but consider, Hater.

 

Back Window **@Natasha**  

**@spidey @hawkeye** its Parkner and nothing you say can change my mind

 

→ cawcawmofos **@hawkeye**  

Coward. 

 

ASSassin **@Buchanan**

Civil War II coming to theaters near you  

 

→ Cap n' Crunch **@Steve Rogers**

Bucky no 

 

the good looking bird hero **@samwilson**

Bucky yes. 

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

I'll take **@Natasha @spidey @hawkeye** 's Parkner, Hater & Harleter and give you potatoscience :))) 

 

→ #1 Iron Man Stan  **@IronDaddy**

HOLY -- 

 

Official Avengers **@AvengersCompound**

#potatoscience

 

* * *

 

 

**Iron Mom:** Hello Harley

**Harles** : heyyyyyy pepper 

**Iron Mom:** is there a reason #potatoscience is now trending on Twitter?

**Harles** : Aww come on Pep I didn't know anyone would care enough to broadcast me and Peter's business all over twitter. BESIDES!!! That was TONY'S doing!!! Give me SOME credit  

**Iron Mom:**  :/

**Iron Mom:**  hmmmm

**Harles** : PEPPER 

**Iron Mom** : Fine. 

**Iron Mom:** so you and Peter, huh?

**Harles** : Pepper 😫😫

**Iron Mom:** 😏

* * *

**Ned Nedd n Neddie** : Peter!!!! YOURE TRENDING!!!!!!

**sbider bro:** !!!!!! I know!!!!!!

**Ned Nedd n Neddie:** im,,, so happy,,, for you,,,  wow. 

**sbider bro** : skskskskskskssk

**sbider bro:** you eont evene KMNOW

**Ned Nedd n Neddie** : Lol that grammar tho 

**sbider bro:** ASSDVJALALKAHDVALALSKGGALLASSDVJALALKAHDVALALSKGGALL

**sbider bro** : ok ok I have to go, Harley and I are heading to the tower.

* * *

 

**Eugenie** : you're welcome 

**Pooter Porker** : ..... For what???? 

**Eugenie** : I dressed your scrappy butt and now you're no longer single. That's not a coincidence 

**Pooter Porker:** Sure Flash 😒

**Pooter Porker** : whatever floats your boat  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I need friends does anyone want to be my friend? :)))))) (wow the desperation is strong in this one)
> 
> Also, I feel like this is good time to remind everyone that I have NO IDEA how New York - or America in general - works so like.... Don't expect me to know how far Queens or Manhattan or wherever else is from the other. Seriously. I have no clue. Someone halp 😂
> 
> (Also also, let's play spot the Supernatural reference I snuck in becuz I'm a nerd)


	13. Non Binary Snack Attacks and Where to Find Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Peter can finally release their gay energy to the world :)
> 
> And Spiderman and Peter Parker interaction has always and will always be the funniest shit ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite the title, there are like... No... Harry Potter or Wizard references in this chapter. 
> 
> Again, I don't know how to insert pics with the holy terror of a website so... I went to the next best thing 😂

#1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

Acceptable names to dub your non-binary significant others: 

Bitch. 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

Awww baby ☺

 

#1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

😚😚😚

 

I Wanna Be Where The People Aren't  **@ArielQueener**

And over here we see a wild #potatoscience in their natural queer habitat

 

Hipster before it was cool **@MJ**

Gross. 

 

captain iron **@stonystan**

#potatoscience is beautiful. We stan. 

 

Ash **@thompson_a**

Not to be a soft bitch on main, but I'd do anything for #potatoscience. **@HarlesQueener @Bete** r I love you 

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

Sees gross fluff: 😷😷😷

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Green isn't your colour spider boy. 

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

What's there to be jealous of? 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**  

Aww Spidey you don't like me? :(

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

It be like that sometimes.

 

→ Bro In the Chair **@Neddie**

Press "F" to pay respects.

 

Back Window **@Natasha**

F

 

cawcawmofos **@hawkeye**

F 

 

Cap n' Crunch **@SteveRogers**  

F 

 

ASSassin **@Buchanan**  

F 

 

Sabrina but Emo **@wanda**

F 

 

Thot™ **@ThorOdinson**

F 

 

→ Bro In the Chair **@Neddie**  

Omg its the Avengers !!!!

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

I'd like to announce that I'm potatoscience stan first and a Spidey stan second. **@spidey** don't mess with my ship 😤

 

→ #1 Iron Man Stan **@IronDaddy**

this is the best timeline

 

* * *

 

Harles Queener Stan **@GabbieDunst**

 **@Beter** what's Harley like?

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

For one, a coward. 

 

Harles Queener Stan **@GabbieDunst**

Lol what did they do? 

 

→ Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

I'm not posting a thirst trap onto my instagram, Bambi

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

COWARD 

 

→Harles Queener Stan  **@GabbieDunst**

KJKAJAKSJSKSKAJKALKSJSKS "BAMBI" I- 

 

* * *

 

aria stank **@yazmintuck**

 **@Beter @HarlesQueener** where can I find my very own non-binary snack attack? 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

It's a very complex process. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

It involves virgin scarfs and lots of baby oil 

 

→ Blondie **@Corinna_Tate**  

...... Virgin scarfs??... Or virgin SACRIFICES???

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

Yes. 

 

* * *

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

Not sure if I love or hate the fact that **@HarlesQueener** looks perfect even after just waking up :///

**[Harley😍](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2FfCCpOKyMgIE%2Fhqdefault.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DfCCpOKyMgIE&docid=UW4G8NHsNZSy5M&tbnid=kIiVb4UcfOz9FM%3A&vet=1&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim) **

 

→ Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

Ugh we get it you're happy and in a relationship.

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

Die mad, Webs. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Ladies, ladies, please. There's plenty of Harley to go around. 

 

Hipster before it was cool **@MJ**

Sigh

* * *

 

Spider Man’s Pert Ass **@webbutt**

 **@spidey** what's your beef with **@Beter**? 

 

→ Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**  

I don't associate myself with peasants 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Get a fucking job, you useless paperclip

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

You wanna go Parker? Cause I'll go. 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**

Pull up, betch. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

God, I adore you

 

→ Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

I know 

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

Boi if you don't -- 

 

→ Wolf Boi **@Alekk**  

Peter Parker VS. Spiderman - who will win? (dun, dun, dun)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who wants to be my friend (join my army) can send messages screaming about Marvel shit on Tumblr: alliewinchan (which by the way only has a handful of original posts and only one of them are even recognizable 😂😂😂)
> 
> Also? I might not respond because I rarely ever go on tumblr unless it's to go through the stony tag, the tony stark tag or the marvel tag in general.


	14. Straights™: [clowns.jpg]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Potatoscience. Also, Carol Danvers owns my wholeass heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme just make it clear from the get go - if I catch ANY of you m*ther fuckers hating on Brie Larson or Captain Marvel, we gon fight.
> 
> Let's play a game of: how many endgame details can I steal and how many can I ignore completely

#1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

Yeah, sex is great but have you ever seen Carol Danvers destroy a h*cking enemy space ship? 

 

→ black panther is a furry **@PrincessShuri**

Its true and you should say it. 

 

Havanerr Bananerr  **@Mikkey**

one,,,, who's Carol Danvers and two,,,, is that actually princess shuri? Sister of the black panther? And her user omg XD 

 

→ black panther is a furry  **@PrincessShuri**

Tell me I'm wrong 

 

Wakanda bullshit is this? **@T'challa**

Delete this immediately. 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

Get off my Carol Danvers thirst tweet bitches

 

not actually spiderman **@spideyman**

Did Tony Stark's intern call two actual Royals™ 'bitches''??? 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

Maybe so. 

 

* * *

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage  **@HarlesQueener**

Peter, mumbling under his breath: You're so cool, I wanna kiss you. 

Me, perfectly hearing but slightly distracted: Huh? 

Peter, blushing: I said you're so stupid, I hope someone kills you!! 

Me: ????? We're???? Dating????? 

 

→ You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

He drinks his dumbass juice every morning that's why he's so stupid.

 

Bi(n)der Man  **@spidey**

Peak Dumbass Thot Energy. 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern  **@Beter**

pull up, spider bitch

 

Cap n' Crunch  **@SteveRogers**

 **@TonyStank** don't forget this was basically you back in 2012. 

 

→ Jo-Lame **@Joleen**

Exposed 

 

You Know Who I Am  **@TonyStank**

I see how it is,  **@Buchanan** ur my new favourite. 

 

ASSassin **@Buchanan**

Does this include extra cuddles? 

 

→ Rocky Rhode  **@JamesRhodey**

 I thought I was your favourite, Tones.

 

Boss Lady Stank  **@PepperPotts**

His favourite is Happy, and I think we all know it. 

 

Forehead of Security  **@HaroldHoegan**

I want no part of this **@PepperPotts @JamesRhodey @Buchanan @SteveRogers**

 

→ Forehead of Security **@HaroldHoegan**  

But yes, I am Tony's favourite. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**

Good poly content. We stan.

 

* * *

 

Avengers Arsesemble **@correctavengers**  

Harley: I'm morosexual, which means I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. 

Peter: Hey BRO I love you no homo, also I think you're hot. Again, no homo.

Harley, Peter's literal SO: *immediately starts stripping* 

 

→ #1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

I'm ace so harley wont be stripping for me anytime soon. At least...not sexually. 

 

Hipster before it was cool **@MJ**  

That's your issue here?

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

I'm not gonna pretend like that isn't me. 

 

Tony Stark Broke Into My Garage **@HarlesQueener**  

I think it's more like: 

Harley: I love dumbasses and dumbasses only. 

Peter: Lucky for you, I'm a class A dumbass. 

Harley: 😍😚😚😍😍

 

→ Avengers Arsesemble  **@correctavengers**  

I didn't really expect the people I'm posting about to see it but we stan one (1) couple. #potatoscience.

 

* * *

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**  

To the man who saw the wlw couple who were LITERALLY just walking down the street holding hands, and decided to shout "F*GGOTS", HOW DO MY FUCKING WEBS TASTE HA! bitch.

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

And while im here, maybe if some of you bigots rode on a Pegasus with the bisexual icon, Queen of Asgard you wouldn't be so fucking pressed about pride.

 

→ sis wut **@Brittania**

I don't know what **@spidey** is talking abt but i agree. 

 

Disgustang **@Roleypoly**  

Straight people just feel excluded, you know? Not all of us are pressed, we just want to be recognized. 

 

→ Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**  

Recognized? For what? Oppressing LGBT+ ppl for centuries? Never being hated for who you love? Not getting beaten, bruised and shot? What exactly do the Straight cis people need that isn't just your fragile egos stroked?

 

Devine **@FionaDevin**  

It's literally hilarious that you call us "pressed" but you're attacking **@Roleypoly** even though they were perfectly civil. 

 

→ Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**

Oh I'm sorry that I don't have the patience required to deal with either of your privileged asses. 

 

Toe-ny **@AntJones**

Ugh I'm so done with queer people and them bitching about literally ERERYTHING. Y'all are ALWAYS asking for sumn else???? Get over it???? Ffs you have your laws and you have your once a year communal orgies. I don't know what else you ppl want. 

 

→ she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**

As one of those "ppl" and as someone who is highkey disgusted with the backwards bullshit of Earth, I'm gonna have to say **@AntJones** that you are exactly what we Don't Want.

 

she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**  

In your little corner of this universe, your sense of self importance is revolting, and me? A woman who literally only drops by this planet every once in a red moon? There's work that needs to be done ASAP. 

 

she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**

People of colour, immigrants, the LGBT+ community, the disabled, women -- literally anyone who isn't a straight, white and cisgendered male are constantly overlooked and some people have the audacity to call us greedy, or defensive or pressed or what the fuck ever???

 

she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**  

@the priveleged everything 👏 is👏 not👏 about 👏 you👏

 

she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**

Fuck you and fuck off to anybody who thinks they have a say in who gets rights or how many rights they're allowed.

 

→ #1Stark Intern **@Beter**  

Things I love? Her. 

 

Official Avengers  **@AvengersCompound**

Retweet.

 

* * *

 

Hotdaga Days **@RayonnaMoodie**

I love **@Carol_Danvers**. I've got no idea who she is but I love her. 

 

The Queen of Ass-gard **@valkyrie**

She has that effect on people. 

 

Thot™ **@ThorOdinson**  

Carol is a very noble woman, and a beautiful warrior. 

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**  

Yeah, Star Power's pretty fucking awesome.

 

Cap n' Crunch **@SteveRogers**  

Captain Marvel is the only valid Captain

 

→ ASSassin **@Buchanan**  

But..... Sa- 

 

Cap n' Crunch **@SteveRogers**  

THE ONLY 

 

the good looking bird hero **@samwilson**

As it's Stanning Carol hour, I'll let that slide.

 

she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**  

We all know I'm the strongest avenger, Sam, accept it and move on :) 

 

→ the good looking bird hero **@samwilson**

Yes ma'am 😏

 

* * *

 

 

Bi(n)der Man  **@spidey**

 **@Carol_Danvers** I'd die for you. 

 

→ she(ro) **@Carol_Danvers**

You Will. 

 

Bi(n)der Man **@spidey**  

SJSKKSJSKSJSKKSKSJSSNMSKSK I- 

 

You Know Who I Am **@TonyStank**

Did you seriously teach the woman who could best God in hand to hand combat memes?

 

#1 Stark Intern **@Beter**  

And what of it? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck straight pride and bigotry as a whole.


	15. Loki, Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki. That is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I got a new phone :) also, my best friend came from Canada at the very begining of August and I'm staying over at her house so I'm seeing the love of my life for the first time in a literal year :))))))))

_And now for a new segment: Tweets by Loki_

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

the only reason Odin made sure I was never the Favourite child was because he knew that I would be far too powerful and would have usurped him at the age of 3.

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

oh so when I want to destroy all of humanity I'm a "psychopath" and "need help" but when a bunch of kids want to destroy humanity its a "mood"? 

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Perhaps he's a proper sorcerer but everyone knows the only thing he's got going for him is that damned jawline.

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Everyone always thinks my brother is some suave and charming prince but in reality he's the same twat that hit himself in the face with his own axe when his stupid human boyfriend lifted his shirt. 

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Steve Rogers is a thot send tweet

 

* * *

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

It's hard being so beautiful and magnificent all the time but someone's got do it.

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

The fact that this halfbit children's magician can turn back time with simple hand gestures but can't see that I want him to top me in every position imaginable is peak dumbassery.

→ King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Yes **@stephstrange** I'm referring to you.

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Literally the only person who matters is Peter Parker sorry I don't make the rules I just abide by them.

 

→ King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Scratch that, Peter Parker and Bucky Barnes are the only persons that matter. Fuck you, Stark. 

* * *

King of Sneks ****@lowkeyloki****

 ****Bitches will threaten the guy they hate with murder and almost actually go through with said murder attempt then will completely get distracted by the strand of hair that falls into his face. I'm bitches. Please **@stephstrange** fuck me so I can kill you in peace.

 

→ strangers things have happened (on Netflix) **@stephstrange**

No.

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

I used to be a cunning prince of Asgard - making important decisions and being praised by my father's subjects.... now I spend my days eating junk food, being unreasonably attractive, pranking Earth's so-called Mightiest Heroes and thirsting after men who aren't worth my time --- We stan.

 

→ Avengers Arsesemble  **@correctavengers**  

Never knew that I'd find my idol in a Norse god who tried to take over the world that one time but here we are. 

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Late night conversations between the Winter Soldier & God of Mischief:

[screenshot56819.jpg]

_Image transcript:_

_James: OK but listen: dance lessons._

_Me: uh huh. And what's your plan to execute this date? Who's teaching who (tho we all know Steve can't dance worth shit lol)_

_James: I just saw this gif set on Tumblr_

_Me: Link it._

_Me: it gives me "Please Me" vibes though. Not sure if that's "date" worthy_

_James: I'll take it_

_Me: omg now I'm thinking about Rogers dirty dancing. Ugh._

_James: lmao me too_

 

→King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

Yes, James and I are very close friends stop asking you cretins

 

 

* * *

 

King of Sneks **@lowkeyloki**

I'm bored **@stephstrange** wyd

 

→ The Queen of Ass-gard **@valkyrie**

Certainly not you, that's for sure. 

King of Sneks ****@lowkeyloki****

I will murderize you to death. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally love Loki so much I have no idea why he's barely in this story so here was me compensating for the lack of Loki content.


End file.
